Okay. Just breathe. This past month has just been a mess. Has it been a month? I’m not quite sure, it’s certainly been a good number of weeks I feel but my perception of time is kind of a bit off right now so I can’t say for sure. I’ve talked in my posts before about how often I can bottle things up and how that can affect me, but also how bad it can get when I get to that point where I just can’t take it anymore. I also talked more recently about how I was recently not feeling too great and that whole time I was extremely afraid what this whole “blowing up” event would entail. And I did. I blew up. It was not quite the extreme fit or mental breakdown one would expect when you hear that phrase, but just all these thoughts, concerns, worries that I was having I just I didn’t feel comfortable sharing that with the people in my life that I used to for one reason or another. And that honestly in some cases was definitely due to me and my own actions so I definitely know where the blame lands on all of this. All these things in my head, just it affected me emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I felt just physically uncomfortable for quite a bit just this itchy feeling deep inside my chest that felt could only finally be scratched by doing something. I fought this feeling off for quite a bit. I knew consciously that a lot of these issues could be resolved by simply not thinking about them, that my situation wasn’t as bad as I kept thinking it over in my head. I had distanced myself quite a bit from a lot of things that upset me, from things that made me uncomfortable etc. so at that point a lot of what was contributing to this feeling to just go off.. they weren’t really issues anymore. I was more worried that if I didn’t do anything, that that distance wouldn’t be so distant anymore and I didn’t know if I could take on the additional stress as I was at this point just barely making it.
So what now? Well, as the title suggests. I need to redirect where it is that I as a person am going. Because I was not somewhere where I liked. I am not someone that I like, nor am I even someone that I can look at the mirror and say yes that’s me. Though honestly I’ve had a disconnect with my identity and my faux post-character arc me where I finally overcame this crippling anxiety and cyclic stages of mania and depression. Where I finally became the me that I wanted to be. It’s an on-going process and there’s no end game you.. well who you are when you die I guess but even then you’ll probably be remembered by different versions of you, mostly idealized versions of you that you never in your life were. Anyway, there was a lot of bad going into this mess and a lot of bad that came out of it. Now I just have to deal right now with the aftermath of that. Honestly even now it still doesn’t feel to great, but I know deep down that I just have to still feel it. This is the rehabilitate aspect of it. I really fucked up, and I really am fucked up and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes, and I don’t want to keep ending up in the same path over and over again. Something is fundamentally wrong here and I need to stop, breathe, and then fix it. And maybe then I can touch on with what I fucked up during the whole situation, but even though my actions were irrational and I feel shitty for having to do that I do still agree with (some) of my reasons/excuses for why I did. And I want to work on a lot of things that led to me ending up feeling just as awful as I did then. Because I see now just a series of events that caused me to feel that way and a lot of points where I definitely see what I did do that caused it or didn’t do that could’ve prevented it. The most important reason is a “perceived” lack of support system. I felt like I just had to act fine with things in order for some of my friendships to work, but that just made me feel like I couldn’t be upfront about it. There was just a lot of irrational thoughts and feelings I have been having and a lot of it stems from me not taking care of myself at all; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I haven’t been myself for a very long time and I desperately want to try and find him again. I don’t really know what it is exactly that I need to do in able to find myself again, but I know just sitting around and hoping that that would just come to me at some point, that at some point I would just know exactly what to do.. I know now that that’s just not going to work anymore. That thinking helped me get through the day, but made the month much harder.
I spent a lot of time unhappy, and just really not content with how my life ended up. I was unhappy with how I was doing at school, my self esteem had been at all time low, and I just felt awful about everything. I needed to change something and I knew that, but it was more than that I think no matter what my situation was I probably would have been feeling the same way. It’s shit sometimes and it’s going to always every now and again be shit but sometimes it won’t be. Sometimes I’ll go outside, go out and do something and go “okay maybe this isn’t so bad.” Because ultimately, things aren’t too bad. I’m a work in progress and I am looking forward to going through that progress now even if it is a slow one. I’ve had too much time to overthink things so I’m looking forward to summer break ending and going back to class, this time with an old friend from high school (we got a class together this semester) and that’s going to be really nice especially since it’s right after one of my closest friends for almost 8 years ( i think?) is moving far away and while distance hasn’t really kept us from being friends before, it’s still a little scary and a little sad to say goodbye regardless. I’m happy for him though, it’s an exciting new chapter in his life and I’m also excited for him. Who knows? Perhaps this is a new chapter in mine too. And either way I’m just really glad I got to share these past 8 years with them and that I contributed in their lives and they in mine. I appreciate having them in my life. I appreciate being granted an experience with someone who’s shaped my life in such a big way and fuck while I’m at it I really appreciate that I had plenty of experiences with people who aren’t in my life anymore/people I’ve had to say goodbye because even the bad ones, the ones I look back and I see a lot of pain I also see a lot of good experiences and quite a few lessons. For the good ones, I don’t think I deserved most of those. Truly. However, I’m really glad I had them and I’m just really sorry they had me. I do want to not feel like I have to apologize for existing, but I still do anyways sometimes. This is what this is all about, I feel. Getting to a point where I don’t wake up and just go “what the fuck are you even doing?”, to get to a point where my actions can match my intentions, and to a point where I can again feel comfortable sharing any of this to someone I actually trust and not to a public website who’s only readers are friends and probably old friends who just happened to remember that this even is still a thing. It’s not healthy. This is a last ditch effort to try and be healthy. A last ditch effort to get away from everything that caused me pain, and to stop being the person who caused it to those I cared about.
Hopefully this works, because I really don’t want to go through this one again.