I don’t exactly know how or why, but I have been feeling unusually happy lately. This isn’t the okay state that I found myself in after coming out of my breakup, but instead it feels like my natural happy normal state that I was in before Amy a year ago (names have been altered for privacy reasons). I feel like I can do things again, and I want to do things again. This change in my state of mind is a result of some optimistic thinking I’ve been doing lately. I decided I don’t want to live thinking the world is a shithole and I just have to get used to it. I’m too young to be thinking like that right now. I’m supposed to think I can still single handedly change the whole planet, and the crushing realization that I can’t isn’t supposed to come until my late thirties. Maybe it’s foolish, but why not think like that? What’s being sad and pessimistic getting me? I know this sounds like I’m saying reality sucks so I’m going to go live in my own world, but realistically it isn’t that outrageous to think one day I’ll be able to sit down next to a fireplace and drink hot cocoa, content and without a worry in the world.
It sometimes feels like it’s delusional thinking to say the world can change for the better because optimism is dead, but I’m not buying it. I mean, look at the Babadook. He is literally out there pushing the boundaries of society as an openly gay member of the LGBT community surrounded by hateful people who are not acting like the person Mr. Rogers knew they could be (I’m looking at you wbc). That’s a difficult life to live. Literally being hated for being who you are by random strangers who have never met you. And that led me to a realization that changed my way of thinking. He can survive because he doesn’t care what those bigoted assholes from westboro baptist church think about him. I need to stop caring about what others might think of me. That little voice in my head constantly telling me that nobody likes me can go suck a big ol’ dick because who the heck cares? The only thing that matters is do I like myself. Am I acting like the person Mr. Rogers knew I could be? I don’t need the approval of the world to be happy, and if that’s what I go about seeking, then I will never be happy. As long as I live my life doing what I know is right, regardless of if I personally benefit from it, that is enough. That way, I am happy with myself and I can build on that. I can use that positive feeling to motivate me to do more positive things. I used to use that feeling to do something to get people’s approval, but I shouldn’t do that for their approval; I should do it because it’s the right thing to do. So if I don’t get their approval afterwards, it won’t hurt me. That’s not something I should even allow myself to be hurt by. Instead I should focus on doing things that actually make me happy, like making YouTube videos or composing music or creative writing (coming soon!!). Those are the things that will expand my energy and happiness. And I can use that happiness to make others happy. That’s how that cycle is supposed to work.
It’s not about making people happy and using that to make myself happy. I’ve been doing it wrong. You can’t always make everyone happy, and that creates a negative feedback loop which makes it even harder to become happy in the first place. I need to become happy by myself first, and then share it with the people around me. It’s not a plague, so it shouldn’t matter if no one else catches it, but it should never impact my own happiness. That’s the kind of positive thinking I’m talking about. I know as long as I’m okay with myself, I can be happy by myself. I don’t need anyone else, but I can still make them happy by being myself and being positive. And thinking this way has resulted in me discovering so many ways I can continue making myself even happier. When I was pessimistic, I didn’t want to think about the future. I honestly just wanted to stay in bed all day, and I tried to delay waking up for as long as I could. But now I feel excited to get out of bed because I actually have *plans* that I didn’t get to the day before, and they’re just waiting for me to come and complete them. And I will Mr. Plans, don’t you worry, I will.
I am going to try one bizarre thing and try one more time to write like how I used to. To try and gain that feeling I once had back when this site meant something to me. And to try and do that I’m going to try and talk less about situations, events, and people
Disclaimer: These are my inner most thoughts and feelings. I don’t know if I’m even comfortable sharing them. It’s painful keeping all this in and writing it out helps. Please don’t judge me for them. Did I ever stop loving her? I tried to. I thought I was past most of the hurt. I stopped
The only happiness I feel anymore is when I’m stoned but afterwards I feel worse than I ever have and want to kill myself. I ride an intense high before sinking to rock bottom. No one knows I’m bad again, no one knows I’m doing worse than I was before. No one knows that I’m