Starting off the New Decade

I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to write lately. I have been spending time “IRL” with a friend (which is a clarification I have to make because of how rare that’s seemed lately), and still am with them actually and for the most part she’s helped distract me from a lot of things that my mind has been desperately wanting to latch onto. A nice clean break away from social media is nice but at the same time when it’s because somebody keeps telling you (I think jokingly) to put your phone away whenever you want to just glance a peek, that urge in me apparently just increases. I didn’t realized just how ingrained these “checking” urges were. I mean it’s one thing when you’re bored and you can go “Oh I wonder how X is doing. I hope they’re alright.” And then in less than 2 seconds I can find out that at the very least they’re still alive. Seems like a low bar, I know but there isn’t really anything I looked for when I did check so I think literally just any new information was nice. And there’s a reason for that I now know, but I don’t feel like talking about it and the reason is becoming less relevant each day anyway. Whatever, I can write a whole post about old habits that have stuck around and maybe I should but that’s not what I want this one to be about so I will have to cut this paragraph short.

So why am I writing now? Well for one because I’ve mostly been in bed with the flu and now I got my tablet with me.. which is perfect fucking timing right when someone comes to spend a couple weeks with me for me to just be bed-ridden for at least half of it, unable to get up without my legs turning into spaghetti but also because writing is therapeutic for me. And if my last post is anything to go off by it has been a very difficult time for all of us around here. With my family, with me, even Lilli has been going through a rough month as well which makes me feel double bad that she came all the way out here and now she’s basically just taking care of me. I hate to admit this, but I think I feel more comfortable talking to nobody (by that I mean pretending that “reader” is a long-time confidante even though I know no-one reads these) than even with closest friends, something I am working on but have only really “made progress” by actually showing them this site. That’s something at least, right? Also side tangent it’s really hard to think and write when your head is like 200 degrees and it feels like someone just wrapped my head up SUPER tightly with bubble wrap and then proceeded to start swinging at my forehead with a baseball bat. I mentioned the one thing keeping my head above water lately was the plans I had made and now that I am in the middle of enacting said plans I was half right. I mean being sick and not being able to actually “go out” might be a part of the reason why but I knew beforehand that no matter how great the distraction might be that whatever it was I was dealing with would still be here regardless.

One thing I didn’t know as of writing the last post is that I actually have more plans than I well –planned. One of my best friends who I actually haven’t met in person yet surprised me out of nowhere and said “Hey I’m going to be in LA for a few days next week. Are you free to hang out?”and of course I said hell yes I’ll ask for another day off and even though this wasn’t planned ahead of time, Disneyland is something I kind of come to love to share with those I care about. It’s a little of my childhood, a little of just unadulterated fun. It’s the god damn happiest place on earth and it’s become a tradition now to share that happiness with my friends when they come out here for the first time. Besides sharing with him my favorite fast food place, In-N-Out, which is gonna be like the first place we go straight from the airport what better way to introduce someone to something that represents the LA/California “spirit” or experience the most? Would’ve been nice if it were this week because then we could have a whole group going to Disneyland but I’m still excited to all hell to go to the Magic Kingdom with my Ro-bro. While 2020 is technically starting today/tonight it does feel a lot like next week is when things are going to start shifting. Partly because now I’m kind of, in spirit, checking off the list of people I’ve known for so long that I’ll finally get to hang out with in person but MOSTLY because next week is also when I start seeing a Psychiatrist on top of my DBT therapy. And as scary the thought of being on new medication which might totally fuck up my system initially, (as long as it doesn’t make me fall asleep mid-drive to work like the last one it’ll be a huge improvement already) it might also be that extra hand of support that I desperately need right now.

So yeah this post is just me trying to say that I am both excited and worried for the coming weeks/year. There’s a lot to look forward to, but also a lot that those I love and I will have to deal with and that is going to be very difficult. Maybe too difficult. We’ll see. As for now I should probably put my tablet away and try and regain some strength so I can at least try and go out and celebrate New Year’s Eve with Lilli. So that’s gonna be fun or will kill me and put me out of commission for the next few days. We’ll see. I probably won’t post for a bit because I’m trying to, to quote one of my favorite books’ The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “participate” more now and with that comes less of a desire to explain and self-reflect in written form.

Until then– Prospero año y felicidad.